I find myself pondering this very question about funeral etiquette as I was driving to yet another funeral. This time the funeral was for the husband of a friend of mine.
It never seems to get easier and the closer I get to the funeral home, I notice tension begin to coil in my stomach. I walk into the funeral home and join the many people waiting in line. I see a friend about 15 places ahead of me but I am pretty sure that "butting in line" is worse here than at the movies. Funeral lines seem to move at a snail's pace.
I sign the remembrance book. I wonder how many other books that I have signed and I doubt the family even knows who I am because I am not always there for them, but to pay respects for the person I knew who has transitioned. (passed on)
Last week I had dinner with a friend. She asked, "What has been going on since I saw you last?" I started to tell her about the funeral I had attended the week before. I explained to my friend, Sue, how sad and awkward I felt. I said I never quite knew how to act or what to say during these intense moments.
I knew that Sue was a counselor but I had forgotten that she has a specialty in grief counselling. (Also for pet owners.) A lively discussion ensued and I would like to pass on some of the wisdom she shared with me. Everyone handles grief differently, but she gave me some suggestions for Do's and Don'ts that I will keep in mind when the situation calls for it. She based some of these suggestions on her own personal experiences.
First the Don'ts: Sue refers to these as the 3 B's:
Babble-That means as you go through the line sharing your condolences don't bring up your own losses. Also saying, "I know how you feel," often makes the person you are try to comfort want to scream, "You couldn't possibly know how I feel!"
Blame-That means keep your opinions to yourself. It is not helpful to blame the deceased for their own demise. There is no comfort in saying to the family what might be obvious, such as if he didn't smoke, he wouldn't have had lung cancer. Or, if she hadn't been texting, she would not have had a car accident.
Betrayal-Saying that, "We will get through this together"-and then don't show up as support" Sue says that often the people you would count on disappoint, you and people you hardly considered friends, step up in ways you never imagined.
Now for some Do's
Do go to the funeral even if you are not sure what to say.
Do ask, "What can I do for you?" and mean it, and follow through. Ask again a few weeks later when family and visitors have returned to their own homes and lives.
Do make your comments to the family in line brief. It is very stressful for the family to stand a long time and there are usually many people waiting behind you.
Do know that anger can mask grief and that a person may be in shock for a good six months, if not more.
Do help your friend adjust to a "new normal" later on.
Sue concluded that, "You will gain so much satisfaction knowing you have been a part of your friend's walk through grief."
As a result of our conversation, I believe I will be more prepared and authentic when I attend another visitation. (I hurt to write the word, another visitation--but there will always be another visitation. It's part of life.
Sue Coplea, M.A. LCPC specialist in grief counseling can be reached at 1124 S. Sixth St. Springfield, IL
217-744-3525
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My Book Reading Symbolic Signs is now listed on Amazon Kindle!
I am so excited that my Book, Reading Symbolic Signs: How to Connect the Dots of Your Spiritual Life is now listed on Amazon Kindle.
This is a description of the book: Develop intuition! Expect synchronicity and guidance! Become empowered to follow your own sacred roadmap by recognizing the guidance that is all around you and interpreting signs and messages. Every choice you make matters to you personally and to those around you.
Price: $2.75
If you are interested in recognizing guidance and enhancing your intuition; then this is a book for you. If you like the TV program Touch; this a book for you. http://www.amazon.com/Reading-Symbolic-Signs-Spiritual-ebook/dp/B0083KOTD8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337139579&sr=8-1
If you enjoy this book I would very much appreciate it, if you would click "like" by the title and/or write a customer review. Thank You!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
The "Other" Kid (Computer Help)
The "other" kid, you know what I mean. This is the kid you call for help when you have a computer question or need help setting up your new phone. You call the "other" kid because your own children will spout off an answer but won't even wait until you grab a pen and paper.
I know that I'm revealing my age range. I'm so lucky to have an "other" kid and my children were very impressed by the video I sent them last week.
The greatest delight and satisfaction with the "other" kid is that he was in my kindergarten class 7 or so years ago. His name is Connor and I swear he is a natural teacher, innately understanding the term spontaneous teaching as he shows me how to link my website to my Skype account.
His mother and I chuckle at the irony of my past student being my teacher. BUT, after all, isn't that what we wish for all children?
I know that I'm revealing my age range. I'm so lucky to have an "other" kid and my children were very impressed by the video I sent them last week.
The greatest delight and satisfaction with the "other" kid is that he was in my kindergarten class 7 or so years ago. His name is Connor and I swear he is a natural teacher, innately understanding the term spontaneous teaching as he shows me how to link my website to my Skype account.
His mother and I chuckle at the irony of my past student being my teacher. BUT, after all, isn't that what we wish for all children?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
You will be holding your side laughing as I share how I tried to make a video
I hope you enjoy this. I hope it may someday help you. Jean
Blog Post about trying to make a video. http://vimeo.com/40484915 "I was trying to make a video for a Christian Pankhurst Heart Centered Coaching class. After several stops and starts I decided to make a blog video post about the experience of trying to make a video. Hopefully this will be helpful to others learning to make a video and seeing the humor of it all." Involves Jean Ferratier . |
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tell a Friend....(and add one comment that makes this person special to you)
I did not write the following story so I do not know who deserves the credit. It has come to me through e-mail a few times and it always brings poignant memories to my mind. There are many messages in this story and one of the parts that struck me is that I wanted to be and I hope I am/was this kind of teacher-Jean
Too Busy for a Friend.....
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in
Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.
The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'
After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'
All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'
Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'
'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.
Too Busy for a Friend.....
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.
On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in
Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.
The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.
As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'
After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.
'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'
All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'
Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'
'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.
Friday, March 30, 2012
You will feel the most significant experience-Love Yourself
My friend Virginia sent this writing to her friends. When I opened and read it I was again reminded by how much each of us matters. Sometimes I wonder if I would be noticed if I was not here like George experiences in the movie, "It's A Wonderful Life." I would guess others sometime contemplate this also. I hope this writing by Osho supports you. Please feel free to leave a comment.
You will feel the most significant experience,
if you can feel that the whole existence needs you,
that you will be missed,
that if you are not here there will be a gap,
you will be missed.
You are not unnecessary,
you are not superfluous;
you have tremendous significance.
Hence, love yourself.
Hence, love yourself.
You are needed as much as the trees,
as the flowers, as the birds, as the sun,
as the moon, as the stars.
You have to be here and you have
a right to be the way you are.
Osho
You are invited to view Virginia's blog at www.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Synchronicity Once Again Brings Wonderful Changes to My Life
Connecting the dots of synchronicity is a very important part of understanding my place in the world. It provides a fascinating map of order. I love to see how events of the past fall into line to bring about a present reality.
Below I am pasting a portion of a press release that tells of the moments that led up to the
Chicken Soup for the Springfield Soul
Below I am pasting a portion of a press release that tells of the moments that led up to the
Chicken Soup for the Springfield Soul
Two Local Authors Featured in New Title of Book Series
It is more than just a coincidence that Wheeler and Ferratier are featured together in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Caregivers. The inspirational book series is actually responsible for bringing these two authors together in the first place. Wheeler introduced herself to Ferratier after learning about her publication in Think Positive through the local newspaper.
“Jean and I share common interests and life experiences, and I felt certain she was someone I needed to get to know better,” says Wheeler. “We were both caregivers for mothers afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease, and we both felt it was necessary to write about the life-changing lessons we learned from that
experience. I contacted Jean through LinkedIn, and our relationship progressed naturally from that point.”
After corresponding and sharing advice, the two stayed in touch, eventually met, and attended an author lecture together. When a call for entries in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Caregivers went out, Ferratier urged Wheeler to submit a story for consideration along with hers.
Fortunately, stories from both Ferratier and Wheeler were selected for inclusion in the book, and the two friends are thrilled to share the spotlight together as featured authors in the same publication. The public is invited to a book signing scheduled at the Springfield Barnes & Noble on Saturday, March 24, 2012 from 2 to 4 p.m. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Caregivers will be available for purchase at the store, and both authors will read excerpts and sign copies of their stories. Visitors to Barnes & Noble will also be able to register for a chance to win a Chicken Soup for the Family Soul game or a Chicken Soup for the Soul 2012 wall calendar during the book signing.
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