I Don’t Go to Bed Disappointed in Myself Any More (Continuing Diabetes Series)

          Before the diabetes diagnosis it was a typical ritual. In the morning I would mentally declare my intentions to have a day of perceived normal, healthy meals. I am not hungry in the morning so that worked for the first few hours of my day.

        Around 10:00 was my break time at work. Still having a healthy resolve I would eat yogurt unless someone brought in donuts or bagels and cream cheese. Occasionally a patient would surprise the staff with fudge, homemade caramels, or cookies. I would think, “I will have the yogurt tomorrow…maybe.”

        I could eat for any reason or emotional state. I was bored. I was lonely. I was happy. I was sad. I was depressed. I discovered snacks made a fine substitute for a companion while I was reading or watching T.V.

        I would walk through the stores keeping an eye out for sales on holiday specialty candy. There was a time bagged Cadbury eggs came out only during Easter. It was a happy day when they started coming out at Christmas. M&Ms also expanded their line and I got hooked on the white chocolate ones. When they were on sale I would by at least 2 packages thinking they would last for weeks.

        At the grocery store I would always walk through the bakery department. I loved the frosting stuffed sugar cookies and the small decorated cakes.

        I ate these tasty treats almost until bed time. When I fell into bed I would scan the day. I sure did not like myself. It was shocking to realize how much I felt I let myself down. A part of me didn’t care as I felt things would never change. Given the choice, sweets would win out.

        After the diabetes diagnosis the ritual changed drastically. The day I walked out of the doctor’s office I told myself no more processed sugar. If nothing else I would not ingest cake, candy, etc. I was scared straight. I have learned to bypass candy isles and bakery sections.

        I discovered fruit tastes sweet when I am not consuming sugar. I try not to plan food more than 2 days out. I adjust my food accordingly while keeping my eye my application of the Fitness Pal to monitor carbs and calories.

        In the evening I am often pleasantly surprised to see that total counts for the day have come in under my allotted food allowance. Now when I go to bed and scan my day and feel at peace.